Loving Someone with Suicidal Thoughts

People also avoid asking about potential suicidal thoughts because they’re afraid the person will get mad, they’re afraid to invade the person’s privacy, or they don’t know what to do if the person expresses suicidal thoughts, Freedenthal says. “These are all uncomfortable fears,” she acknowledges, “but it’s even more uncomfortable that a person could have suicidal thoughts and be alone with it and we don’t know.” 

In the book, Freedenthal emphasizes the importance of asking about suicide and “listening bravely” — that is, listening to what is frightening to hear without trying to change what you are hearing. Often, well-meaning comments such as “you have so much to live for” can shut someone down instead of encouraging conversation, she explains. “The listener wants the other person to stop thinking of suicide, but it can make the person feel misunderstood, hopeless, alone. It is a missed opportunity” for intervention and connection, Freedenthal says. 

Research has shown that maintaining a connection to someone can help prevent suicide. Even a psychiatric hospital following up with an occasional postcard can lower suicide rates among former patients, Freedenthal says. “Connection isn’t cure, but in many cases it does help somebody to be able to talk to someone, to know that someone cares, to have one more reason to stay alive.” Freedenthal is careful to note that if someone has lost a loved one to suicide, it doesn’t mean they failed in some way. “It doesn’t mean someone did something wrong when someone dies of suicide,” she says. 

The book also discusses self-care, including ways to cope with another person’s suicidal thoughts. “It’s as much about helping oneself as it is about helping a loved one with suicidal thoughts,” says Freedenthal, who authored “Helping the Suicidal Person” (a book for professionals), is writing a book about her own experiences with suicidality and plans to write a volume for people struggling with suicidal thoughts. “It’s about taking care of yourself so you can be emotionally present for the person with suicidal thoughts.”